The Most Boring Blog Ever

I Feel a Stupid Sense of Superiority

2011-05-30T18:59:00.000-07:00

When the mosquitoes are biting other people in my backyard and not me.

I Think...

2010-03-27T05:43:00.001-07:00

I need to meet Donald Sutherland and everything will be alright.

Mr. Shuffles Makes Everything Good Again

2010-03-27T05:38:00.001-07:00

He's a special elephant who lived when he wasn't supposed to.

My Dolls

2010-03-24T15:24:00.001-07:00

I like to refer to any pill I take as "my dolls." This includes aspirin and vitamins. If I can't find them, I like to say, "Where are my dolls?" real dramatic-like.

My Hair Dryer Broke

2010-03-24T15:17:00.000-07:00

The nozzle fell off and heating element was exposed. It was bright red and horrific looking! Like some sci-fi weapon. I fixed it but still...I know what lurks beneath.

The Other Beth Droped by Today

2010-03-24T15:14:00.000-07:00

She brought me a gift bag. It had:

4 teabags
1 can of lentil soup
The first season of Friday Night Lights
2 beers

I'm not sick or anything.

That's what friends are for.

I Don't Use a Recipe when I make Cookies

2010-03-24T15:11:00.000-07:00

I just wing it. This makes me feel like a revolutionary, in a very small way.

Pete Gave me a Hat

2010-03-24T15:09:00.000-07:00

He made it himself. He knits. It's a huge hat. I don't like it. I won't put it in my drawer because that means I own it. So it lies on my bureau, taking up space. I'm beginning to resent that hat even though it was a kind gesture.

I Keep Leaving my Bike out in the Rain

2009-11-23T20:26:00.000-08:00

This makes me feel irresponsible. Each time it rains, I vow to change. But I do not. My bike is getting rusty. What can I do to break this vicious cycle?

The Importance of a Good Can Opener

2009-11-20T20:15:00.000-08:00

It can't be stressed enough. A good can opener is worth its weight in gold. Don't scrimp. Don't get the cheapos. It's not worth it in the long run.

And no, not electric ones. You don't want to depend on something electric to open your cans. Think about it. And really, if you don't have enough energy to use a hand-held can opener, you should give it up.

Still Haven't Found Black Thong

2009-10-05T11:50:00.001-07:00

I've pretty much given up hope on ever finding them. (Read post for full story.) There's hardly a day that goes by that I don't reach into my underwear drawer and wonder.

Orange Spot on New Shirt!

2009-10-05T11:40:00.000-07:00

How is it possible? And what is it? I just bought it. I can only imagine what gross thing it could be. Damnit.

Glitter in Car - Just in Case

2009-09-05T11:44:00.000-07:00

I have a little vial of glitter in my car. Its been in their for years. I keep wondering why I keep it there...what event will I attend where I will say to self, "It's a good thing I have that glitter in the car."

My Roommate Left his Soap Here and it Grosses me Out a Little

2009-08-31T11:53:00.000-07:00

It's deodorant soap and it reeks of crappy, guy-scented stuff. I want to throw it out but I keep forgetting. Plus I'll have to touch it and its slimy. I wonder when I'll ever get to it?

Once while in the shower, I fantasized about sending him the bar of soap in an envelope.

Have you seen my Black Thong Underwear?

2009-06-17T06:53:00.000-07:00

I've lost my favorite pair of underwear and I'm curious if you've seen them.

Most thong underwear is meant to slowly torture you. It's worse than water boarding.

But this pair? Torture free.

And now they're gone. Where could they be? I've looked behind my bed. I've looked in my closet. I've looked...they're gone.

Do you know where they are?

Edgar Allan Poe Stamps

2009-06-17T06:50:00.001-07:00

My friend gave me Edgar Allan Poe stamps and they're gorgeous. I swore to never use them. Hung on my wall, I stared at them lovingly. They are the untouchable stamps, meant for collecting only.

That's until my cable bill was due and I realized I had no regular stamps. One Poe, gone. Then my car registration needed renewed. Two Poes gone. Then my passport needed renewed. Three, four Poes gone.

The remaining Poes give me dirty looks now.

Muffler Tape!

2009-06-17T06:47:00.000-07:00

What is this glorious tape I've discovered? Is it magical? Has it been spun by angels? No doubt. No doubt.

I wound this glorious tape around a rusted hole in my muffler and the whistling has disappeared! Forever! Never to torture my ears (or others).

Muffler tape, I think I love you. No, I know I love you.

My Hairdresser Bleeds

2009-05-05T13:28:00.000-07:00

My hairdresser nicked her hand on her scissors while cutting my hair today. She started bleeding a fair amount.

I bet her blood is in my hair right now and I'm not okay with that.

Guess I could wash my hair though it looks really good right now.

When the Levee Breaks

2009-05-05T13:25:00.000-07:00

One of the best stripteases I've ever seen was at All in the Family Lounge, a legendary, seedy strip club in Philly. The woman danced to Zeppelin's When the Levee Breaks. Now when I hear that song, I feel compelled to get naked or have sex.

Calling Person by Dog's Name

2009-04-03T06:19:00.000-07:00

My friends' father is Chip. His dog is Buddy.

It's taken me about two years to get that straight.

When my friend Kenneth visited, I pointed out the father and told him to go introduce himself to Buddy. Which he did. "Hey, Buddy, it's nice to meet you."

It was awkward for all parties, even for the dog who perked up his ears.

Cherries and Arsenic

2009-02-05T09:22:00.000-08:00

I stuck a pound of cherries in a juicer yesterday, pits and all (I figured the pits were good for you too, so why not?)

My stomach started hurting after an hour. I went online and read that cherry pits contain trace amounts of arsenic and can kill you.

Funny how little I cared. As a matter of fact, I laughed.

"How did Beth die?"

"Cherries. She cherried herself to death."

A Goose, a Lake and Me

2009-02-05T09:19:00.000-08:00

Went for a run near a lake yesterday. I stopped to stretch and scared away a big flock of geese. I apologized to them but they flew off anyway.

One goose remained and got out of the lake and plopped down right next to me! I was so flattered. He tucked his bill in his feathers and napped. What trust!

The only thing that roused her was a gunshot in the distance. I felt sad for her. Gunshots must always fill her with terror.

I hate hunters.

One day, the tables will turn.

Sharing Food makes me Comfortable

2009-02-05T09:14:00.000-08:00

I love the people in my life who feel comfortable enough with me to take food from my plate without asking.

That's closeness, I think.

I like doing the same with them.

Drive Fast, Take Chances

2009-02-05T09:12:00.000-08:00

My friend Scott has some pretty eccentric relatives.

Every time he leaves their home after a night of revelry, they say, "Drive fast, take chances."

Makes me giggle.

Why do the Local Lesbian Librarians Hate Me?

2009-01-07T15:10:00.000-08:00

I don't know what I've done to these women but the dislike is palpable.

I may go gay just to appease them.

I go to the library a lot, after all.

Black Turtlenecks

2009-01-02T16:03:00.000-08:00

kinda work on everyone.

Everyone should own one black turtleneck.

The proclamation has been made.

Go forth and carry the word.

I Don't Like When

2009-01-02T16:01:00.000-08:00

people say "sweet" in that weird, used-to-be trendy way.

I want them to stop using that expression.

Who do I contact?

Is there a committee?

Whispering

2008-12-14T06:25:00.000-08:00

I love when someone whispers in my ear.

I just melt.

I Still Have Trouble

2008-12-14T06:22:00.000-08:00

processing that Robert Palmer is dead.

Why is he dead?

He shouldn't be dead.

It's cold but...

2008-12-12T19:51:00.000-08:00

my black padded bra keeps my breasts warm in the winter.

They're like sexy mittens for my boobs.

While I Like the Act of Cuddling...

2008-12-10T18:06:00.000-08:00

I don't like word. Especially when men use it. Same holds true with "snuggling."

I also don't like the word "supper."

A boyfriend of mine used the word "tummy" once and my libido dropped like a thermometer on a desert night.

Nihilistic Chocolate Chip Thoughts

2008-12-01T15:35:00.000-08:00

The other day, I went to the grocery store with my friend Peggie. I bought a bag of chocolate chips. Peggie pointed out that they were on sale and I should get two bags. I thought to myself, "God, who knows if I'll be alive to use the second bag. Better not."

The power of positive thinking, working it magic again.

Every Time I Take a Bath...

2008-12-01T15:33:00.000-08:00

I bring a book or a magazine into the bathroom with me.

But I never read it.

Once I get in the water, I slip into some zombie-like self-hypnosis.

Thank god for small miracles.

The Girl from Ipanema...

2008-11-26T06:14:00.000-08:00

has always given me the creeps. It sounds like a song some weird guy lurking in a playground would sing.

Replacement Windows...Will the Fun Never End?

2008-11-22T07:12:00.000-08:00

I need replacement windows asap. Cold, old house. Thing is, the best guy is the most expensive guy and I don't know what to do. He also accepts credit cards. I feel incapacitated with indecision. This indecision could cost me my life, I fear.

I Only Like Coffee Hot

2008-11-22T07:10:00.001-08:00

As well as soup. They both have to be very hot. I don't like beverages lukewarm. I just won't drink it.

Clint called my Bedroom Sexy

2008-11-20T14:59:00.000-08:00

Clint, good friend and oldest of the brothers, walked in my bedroom last year and said, "Beth, your bedroom is sexy." I was really flattered and still think about that comment. I feel like I don't have all of the fancy or new things that I'd like. Sometimes this house feels likes its falling down around me..but somehow my bedroom still manages to radiate a sexy vibe.

Good.

It should.

Now, if I could only have sex in it. That would make it really sexy.

I Took an Awesome Shot of a Crow

2008-11-05T13:55:00.000-08:00

I really think I should send it into National Geographic. It's near perfect.

I shall keep you waiting, with baited breath.

Like Panties in the Wind (sung to Elton John tune)

2008-11-05T13:41:00.000-08:00

The wind was blowing so hard today that when I pulled my underwear off the line in the backyard, they blew out of my hand. I went running after them, as they flew across the yard. It was a pretty funny picture, chasing pink panties in circles. First time I laughed all week.

My Dental Floss Thingie Broke

2008-11-04T16:48:00.000-08:00

You know the metal thing that you use to cut off a piece of dental floss? The metal thing built into the little box of floss? Well, it broke. Now I use a an old nail that sticks out of the wall in order to cut the floss. I'm alright with the alternative.

I Went Back to a Yard Sale for a Coffee Maker

2008-11-04T16:42:00.000-08:00

My coffee maker broke. I remembered seeing one at a yard sale the previous week. I didn't feel like buying a new one so I went to their house and knocked on their door a week later. They still had the coffee maker. They sold it to me for $2. An older Jewish couple from Yonkers.

LATE BREAKING NEWS!!

The coffee maker DOES NOT have a "sneak-a-cup" feature, so I'm a little disappointed.

I Wear Patchouli Sometimes

2008-11-04T16:40:00.000-08:00

But privately. I don't wear it around others. Everyone has all these crazy views on patchouli. I can't take all the controversy. So I wear it when I know I'll be by myself. It's just easier.

I Recently Switched from Lemonade to Limeade

2008-11-04T16:39:00.001-08:00

This is actually kind of a big deal. I love pink lemonade. Have for years. It tastes good and makes me feel special and girly all over. Recently, I tried limeade at my friend's house and I liked it better.

I don't know what to do because limeade isn't as girly. What kind of effect could this have on me, I wonder?

I've Got the Power

2008-11-04T16:36:00.001-08:00

When I go for my run on the beach, I like to listen to the 80's tune "I've Got the Power." I'm a little embarrassed I like a song that has "work out" written all over it. What's next? Eye of the Tiger?

Fingerless Gloves

2008-11-04T16:34:00.000-08:00

I have a pair of old grey gloves. I recently cut off the fingers. I wear them and they make me feel special and I'm not sure why. It's Fall and they just make me feel kinda cool...bohemian or something.

I think I'd like to be buried with them on.

How Long Do We Have to Keep Up this Bathing Thing?

2008-11-04T09:46:00.000-08:00

There's times when I'm washing my hair and I think, "I can't fucking do this anymore. I'm tired of bathing."

How many more times am I going to have to wash my hair?" I'm bored with it. Bored to tears. It just feels stupid after a while. Same, same, same.

Sometimes Classical Music...

2008-11-04T07:45:00.000-08:00

can really stress me out.

Regarding Sheryl Crow's song "I Wanna Soak up the Sun"

2008-11-04T06:43:00.000-08:00

When I first heard this song, I thought it was a spoof. It could be the worst song ever but "We Built this City on Rock and Roll" gives Crow's tune a real run for it's money.

You should never ever mention sun protection in your song (see lyrics below.) It just sucks the rock and roll right out of the it.

Ironically, lyrics that use the phrase "rock and roll" are not very rock and roll either.

Sheryl breaks both rules with the lyrics:

"I'm gonna soak up the sun
Got my 45 on
So I can rock on."

Hmmm...rhyming "on" with "on" is a little simple-minded as well.

LATE BREAKING NEWS!!!!

Laura and Lori emailed me, wondering whether "45" might be referencing vinyl records. I did some research. It looks like Ms. Crow is referring to sunblock but either way, the song remains annoying.

I Don't Like the White Stripes

2008-11-03T15:41:00.000-08:00

At all. It's taken me a while to realize it because I thought I did...but I don't.

I Wish Hickies were back in Vogue

2008-11-03T14:03:00.000-08:00

I really enjoyed getting hickies years ago. They were kind of a bite on your neck but not really. So territorial and a little sadistic.

My friend Amanda can give you a really big hickey in about 1 second, maybe even less. It's very impressive.

Anyway, I miss them. But I guess you can't go walking around with hickies on your neck at some point of your life.

I find this sad and I wanted to share.

A Spider has Set Up Shop in My Outdoor Shower

2008-11-03T07:36:00.000-08:00

He (or she - do they have sexes?) has set up quite an elaborate web from one shampoo bottle to the next. I don't know what to do because I need to use those shampoos. But he (or she) did a lot of work and I feel a little badly ruining his (or her) home. I figure I'll use some other shampoos for a while until I figure out my next move.

I do say hello to the spider upon entering the stall. I love creatures.

People on Decks Annoy Me

2008-11-03T07:32:00.000-08:00

When I walk on the beach or sometimes even in my backyard, I'll see someone from a deck, mindlessly staring at me. That's because all of the houses here are humongous. I find it really annoying. What are you, royalty? I'm not your personal sideshow. Go stare at your crumbling marriage or something.

Just watched an old Genesis video on YouTube

2008-11-03T06:31:00.000-08:00

And read the commentary underneath. "Great video" "Band was better with Gabriel" etc. And then out of nowhere, there's a comment that reads:

"I have 3 pears of pants."

I don't know what about it tickled my fancy - the misspelling, the "apropos of nothing " quality - but I just keep laughing about it.